“Weddings,” “civil unions,” “marriages”...
The public sometimes flounders at the choice of words to use when describing the celebrations of commitment between same-sex couples. The couples themselves, however, do not have difficulty. At the heart of the matter is Love, any gay or lesbian partner will proclaim, without a moment’s hesitation. Our ceremonies and celebrations may not have a definitive legal name at this time, in this place, but they are as common and as stressful, as unique and as moving, as sacred and as wonderful as any wedding has ever been.
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In anticipation of the day the state of Iowa would legalize same-gender marriage, Dean Genth and Gary Swenson of Mason City, having had a Holy Union Ceremony in 2004, planned on simply appearing at the courthouse, signing the papers, being wed by a judge, then going on back home. However on April 3, 2009, the day the Iowa Supreme Court struck down the Iowa legal code’s 1998 One Man/One Woman law, Dean and Gary’s expansive list of friends asked to be in on the historic wedding celebration. Gary and Dean realized their ceremony plans would need expanding too, so they began indulging in ideas for a May 31st wedding in Music Man Square, a 1912 River City Streetscape, reminiscent of the movie “The Music Man,” and home to “Music Man” composer Meredith Willson.
But Dean and Gary also had another, perhaps more vital reason for their change of plans. In their wedding program, the couple explained their personal heartfelt goal to their guests. “If one young man or young woman attending, who has been told by society, church, or even family that they are ‘less than,’ could come away from our ceremony with a hope for the future, a hope that includes love, companionship, and recognition that they too are of value, then we’ve been successful.”
For these two men to choose to include the inspiration of others as a priority for their Wedding Day was not unexpected, as Gary and Dean are considered the North Iowa “Poster Boys” for same-gender relationships. “We have worked with One Iowa (an advocacy group dedicated to supporting full LGBT equality) since its formation,” Dean says. “...And also with Executive Director Brad Clark on the State's Anti-Bullying legislative efforts.” Dean and Gary co-founded PFLAG-North Iowa, and Dean is president of the Iowa State PFLAG Council of Chapters and Chair of the Iowa Stonewall Democrats Caucus.
Dean and Gary’s History
As part of their ceremony, Dean, a retired business executive, and Gary, a radiologist, made use of their 27-page written program in part to tell guests about their life together, including how they met when their careers took them individually to Chicago 6½ years before. Soon thereafter, Dean joined Gary in Mason City, Iowa, and the couple celebrated a Holy Union Ceremony at First Presbyterian Church on November 27, 2004 in front of almost 200 friends, family and community members.
But to make their May 31st wedding truly inspirational, Dean and Gary also told the story of their lives before they met. “The story,” they detailed in their program, “of two boys who grew up in unfriendly times and sometimes hostile circumstances.”
For Gary, those circumstances included growing up the sixth of eight children in a traditional Mormon household. He says that when he was old enough to realize he was “different” and began to discuss his feelings and questions with church leaders, he was advised to pray, read scripture, and marry a “good woman,” and those awful feelings would go away.
Likewise, Dean was raised in a conservative environment, a rural Indiana farm. In the wedding program he explained how in his youth he also had followed what society, church, and family dictated as the “recipe for happy living.”
Both men married, had children, and established themselves in their respective churches and communities, but there were consequences, which they explained candidly in the program to their wedding guests. “The dissonance and heartache grew in the hearts of two men who were living what they considered ‘irrational roles’ - roles society created, had created for them. And all the while, they lived in fear, living false lives.” Both recall being obsessed with certain thoughts. “What if my family and church members found out who I really am?”
In their wedding program, the couple further explained, “It took many years before we could realize we are indeed beautiful, and that God means for us to be happy.”
