by: Brad Beauchamp

“Gay Weddings,” “Civil Unions,” “Same-Sex Marriages”...

The public sometimes flounders at the choice of words to use when describing the celebrations of commitment between same-sex couples. The couples themselves, however, do not have difficulty. At the heart of the matter is Love, any gay or lesbian partner will proclaim, without a moment’s hesitation. Our ceremonies and celebrations may not have a definitive legal name at this time, in this place, but they are as common and as stressful, as unique and as moving, as sacred and as wonderful as any wedding has ever been.

“Like all great romances,” says Bob with a smile, “ours began in a bar.”

It was springtime in 1980 when Bob Harris & Ken Travers first met. They were at a gay bar named Rascals, right in the heart of Washington D.C. Ken was a practicing physician; he had just begun his private practice as an obstetrics gynecologist, while Bob worked in the trauma unit of a nearby hospital as a nurse. There was an intense, immediate connection and within three months, the two were living together.

Their First Home

“Our first house was in the suburbs of Maryland,” says Bob. “We felt like we were the only gay couple around for miles, but as we got to know our neighbors a little better, we found out that a lesbian couple was living two doors down.” Neighbors Susan & Dana had been together for years, and were intent on having a baby.

“They started this social group called ‘Baby Maybe,’” says Bob. “It was this group of lesbians who would get together at their house every other Thursday. They would talk about how they could create a family. Conception and adoption possibilities - they’d put it all on the table. Mind you, this was the early 80’s, so you didn’t have the vast resource of information at your fingertips like we have now.”

“One of the members, Jean, decided that she wanted to artificially inseminate for her first child,” says Ken. “But she wanted the process to be in a home, and not in a doctor’s office.”

Bob says, “We thought about it for awhile. Ken already had two daughters and a son before we met. And when my daughter was born, I was in Vietnam. I missed out on most of the early baby stuff. So when Jean expressed her desires to be a mother I thought, I can help this. We knew it would be her child, but we’d have a part too.”

And so, Bob volunteered to be a donor for Jean.

“It took one try,” says Bob.

“And nine months later,” says Ken, “Michael was born.”

As it so happened, Ken played a major role in the birth of Michael as well. During Jean’s pregnancy he became her doctor, and helped her through the delivery of her only child.

Exciting Recent Events

As the years passed, Bob changed professions. He moved from the nursing field into interior design. Nowadays, he considers himself a full-time “Manny,” taking care of two of their three grandchildren while Ken continues his private practice.

2006 brought an unsuspecting shift in direction for the couple. They were attending a party when something changed.

“We were at Cathi and Mike’s house celebrating their daughter’s engagement,” says Bob. “We’d lived next to them for eight years, so our families had grown up together in a lot of ways. We were all hanging out in the kitchen when Cathi turned to me and said, ‘So when are you two going to do it?’ People had asked us before and a formal ceremony just never seemed like something that Ken and I needed to have. But when she asked, I thought to myself, when are we going to do it? So right then, I turned to Ken, dropped down on one knee and asked, “Will you marry me?”

“At first I thought he was kidding,” says Ken. “I laughed and looked at him. But then I could see it on his face that he was serious. And I said, ‘Of course I’ll marry you!’”

“Even though we’d known these people for years,” recounts Bob, “their cheers & applause really surprised us. I mean, here we are, this gay couple, surrounded by dozens of straight people, and they were so loving and supportive! It was amazing.”

The grooms-to-be continued to find friendly words of encouragement at almost every turn. At first, they had concerns over sharing the news with Ken’s business partners. Bob decided to face their fears head-on and inform the others over dinner.

“I remember turning to Ken’s partners and saying, ‘We’re flying to Maui for our ceremony in a few weeks.’ We were both a little nervous about letting them know, because our relationship wasn’t something that was particularly discussed before. But they were so happy for us and a week later, one of the partners sent us a wedding gift. It was such a surprise! It really showed how supportive they were, and we just loved it.”

* *

A Home Away from Home

It didn’t take Bob & Ken long to decide on their ideal ceremony location. The couple likes to spend a few weeks in Maui, Hawaii as often as they can. Well-known for its lush beaches, exotic landscapes and gay-friendly culture, Maui seemed the perfect fit for their nuptials.

“Traveling to Maui had been one of the first vacations we took together,” says Bob. “I love the beauty, the spiritual feel and the wonderful local people. I feel as if I’m coming home every time we arrive.”

Of course, planning a destination wedding has its own unique set of challenges. The couple quickly realized that they had to place their trust in a wedding planner local to Hawaii. They started the search by googling “Gay Wedding Maui,” and clicking through the results.

“The first few places we called weren’t too helpful,” says Bob.

The businesses showed very little interest in helping with the wedding. In one instance, a particular consultant recommended that Bob & Ken plan the entire ceremony and reception on their own. Bob & Ken disagreed. They knew that they wanted a very special ceremony, and that they needed help organizing it.

“When we called Aloha Maui Gay Weddings, we found an instant connection with Dawn. I swear we knew each other in a past life. Since the wedding, we’ve gone back to Maui & visited her and Christine. We went to the Maui Arts & Cultural Center together, and dinners – they’re wonderful people.”

“For the ceremony,” continues Ken, “they didn’t have the canoe component posted on their website. It wasn’t even an option, but the moment I brought it up Dawn said, ‘Sure, that won’t be a problem.’ She customized everything to be exactly the way we wanted it.”

With the details of the wedding covered, Bob & Ken were free to focus on all the exciting and fun places that they planned to visit.

“On one of our first trips to Maui,” says Ken, “we met this wonderful man named Richard at Hamburger Joe’s. He was originally from Atlanta and relocated to Maui some years back. He became our tour guide for the whole trip; he took us to a lot of places that we never would have discovered otherwise. He knew the right owners to see for accommodations, the right captains to talk to for whale watching, gorgeous waterfalls & lookout points that you can hike to - all sorts of great things. We really got a feel for Hawaii then.”

“We definitely have spots that we think are the best places to see,” adds Bob. “So when we returned with our family and had so much time to enjoy the island, we took them to all those special places. And then we also did things like going on a helicopter ride over Haleakala.”

The couple invited ten guests to join them for the ceremony. “It was the two of us,” says Ken, “our three daughters and three sons-in-law, our two granddaughters, Millie who is our 94-year-old adopted family member, and Betty, who officiated our daughter’s wedding & whom we also think of as a Spiritual Mother. We all spent one week in Maui together, and then Bob & I stayed an extra week after they left for our honeymoon.”

Both Bob & Ken are very grateful for the week they chose to share with family & friends at their ‘home away from home.’

“It made [our ceremony and the trip] so much better having our families there,” says Bob. “I think it would have been a sad thing if they weren’t there.”

The Wedding Day

Bob Harris & Ken Travers were married on June 6, 2007. The ceremony blended Hawaiian tradition with heartfelt vows & customized fashion. A note on a conch shell kicked things off, symbolizing that an important event was about to begin. A hand drummer beat ancient rhythms on his djembe, while partners Bob & Ken were paddled onto the western shore in an outrigger canoe.

“As we landed on the beach,” recounts Bob, “our granddaughters spread tropical flower petals in a circle on the spot where we would exchange vows, and then they made a trail of flower petals to the ocean. A Tahitian woman met us and led us with a torch in-hand to the flower circle.”

“Throughout the ceremony, the sky was very dramatic,” says Ken. “Very dark, with rain drops here and there, And there were these little beams of light shining through the clouds. It felt like it personified the excitement & intensity of the whole experience.”

Once the couple arrived at the flower circle, Bob’s daughter Jodee held a lei for each member of the wedding party and the guests. Officiant Betty then explained the Hawaiian custom of throwing leis into the ocean.

“Hawaiians do this in memory of those who’ve gone before us, those who’ve passed on,” explains Bob. “Our family has had a few losses over the years. Matt, our son-in-law, lost his mom about eight years ago. So Ken went up to him at the wedding, gave him a lei, and said, ‘This is for your mom.’ He threw it into the ocean, and in that moment, our photographer (Carolyn Quan) snapped a picture. The lei made a perfect heart in the air.”

Afterwards, everyone returned to the circle where the ceremony continued. Officiant Betty passed around a basket which held slips of paper with passages from Corinthians 1:13. Each guest picked a slip and read a passage, citing the facets of love.

“It was very touching,” says Bob.

Finally, the two exchanged deeply personal vows. Both declared their love for one another - in the past, in the present, and into the future. As the vows came to an end, it was time for the grooms to kiss.

“That was a big moment for Ken & me, because showing affection in front of our kids was something that we had avoided,” says Bob. “Back in the 80’s, while we were going through the divorce proceedings with our ex-wives, the court ordered that I could not show any signs of public affection to Ken in front of the kids, as it would directly affect our custody rights. We both had to be very careful about that for our entire lives.”

“We actually polled the guests first,” says Ken, “and asked them if we should kiss at the end. Everyone said, ‘Of course!’”

Bob & Ken leaned in for their first kiss as husband and husband. Afterwards, three-year-old Matilda squealed in delight, “I saw what you guys did!”

“It changed our perception of how strong our family is,” remembers Bob. “That moment was a binding force in our lives.”

A Reception on the Water

After a walk down to the ocean at sunset, the wedding party & guests moved to the Seawatch Restaurant for the reception celebration. Overlooking the Hawaiian shores, The Seawatch Restaurant balances elegant fine-dining cuisine with a casual atmosphere.

Once the wedding party settled in for the reception, Bob & Ken shared with them some of the delectable wonders of Maui. First and foremost: a custom-made cake by the culinary staff of Seawatch.

“It was a two-tiered hexagonal white cake,” says Bob, “with a lilikoi filling and a Tahitian vanilla bean butter cream frosting, decorated with white orchids.”

Ken’s daughters prepared a few words to commemorate the occasion. Jean read a poem about the wedding cake by e.e. cummings, which brought a smile to all the guests. Kate and her husband Matt read some of their reflections, which they entitled: “10 Things We Learned from You about Long Term Relationships.”

The night was filled with dancing, toasts, laughter, poetry and an outpouring of love and affection. The reception lasted for two and a half hours, although Bob & Ken swear that it was more like ten minutes.

“Good times were had by all,” says Ken. “That’s for sure!”

RainbowWeddingNetwork Magazine would like to thank Kenneth Travers & Robert Harris for inviting us into their lives and sharing with our staff and readers Their Special Day. Bob & Ken - Mahalo!

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